I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Anyone want a chair?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
the battle rages on
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.