I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.