Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
You Might Also Like
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The devil.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.