Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…