Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
is this a threat
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.