In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
You Might Also Like
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am