2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*