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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.