Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
These aliens are taking forever.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”