I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
do u think theres a butter planet?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.