Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
That’s amazing.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“what that mouth do?” complain
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.