Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I needed a laugh this morning.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]