Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Hot hot hot 🥵
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause