[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.