I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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What a website
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
classic mixup
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Nice try, NASA
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*