whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I came this close!!!!
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Stop being racist to kettles.
🙂🐾
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door