Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
And now we wait
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Just parrot things
That’s no pocket rocket.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)