This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Found my door mat
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day