If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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I am HOWLING at this
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise