This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
You Might Also Like
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor đź‘Ž.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.