Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Hot hot hot 🥵
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
British websites use biscuits.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.