Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
How do you like your Corgi?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.