Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
New menu item
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.