some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear