me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”