Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
You got this…
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Sunday
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago