toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
He-man has a Masters degree
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495