Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin