wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.