What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Lol.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea