No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
fly smarter, not harder
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.