Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
the short answer to this question
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.