if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
You Might Also Like
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies