My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Meme Monday.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’