Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will