i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested