Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
when nothing goes right… go left
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe