Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
This is amazing.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
my name if I was in the mob
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr