Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed