cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.![]()
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
😆this is so true
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.