5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way