[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
this is uni
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy