If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
be careful
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.