Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Ghost costume 😂
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*