playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Best spoiler warning ever
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
🔦🌙👣
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.