I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
buying dead houseplants to save time
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.