Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.