♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A small tragedy.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
moms in horror movies
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.