i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
umm…
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Lmaoo 😂
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up