*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I can’t deal with men any longer
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Good morning!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!